Two sex workers are talking.
“How was your last ‘john,’ Desiree?”
“Okay, but cheap. And yours?”
“One of the best: a big, muscular, handsome marine.”
“Oh, yeah? What did he wanna do?”
“First, he asked how much for sex and I told him $100, but he didn’t have enough money. Then he asked how much for a BJ and I told him $50, but he didn’t have that much either. Then he asked how much for a hand job and I told him $25. He agreed, I reached in, and what a surprise! I put one hand around it, then another hand on top of that hand, and then my first hand on top of that one!”
“Damn, girl, he musta been huge! Then what happened?”
“I loaned him $75!”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to grab!”
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, “I didn’t touch that woman.”
“Of course you didn’t,” said Mrs. Wilson. “I did!”
A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: “Are you sure you used the right password?”
Customer: “Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.”
Helpdesk: “Can you tell me what the password is?”
Customer: “Five stars.”
Helpdesk: “What antivirus program do you use?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Helpdesk: “That’s not an antivirus program.”
Customer: “Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.”
Helpdesk: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I’m writing my first e-mail.”
Helpdesk: “OK, and, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, I have the letter ‘a’, but how do I get the circle around it?”
Helpdesk: “What kind of computer do you have?”
Female customer: “A white one…”
“Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…”
Helpdesk: “What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?”
Customer: “A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.”
Helpdesk: “And now hit F8.”
Customer: “It’s not working.”
Helpdesk: “What did you do, exactly?”
Customer: “I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…”
Helpdesk: “Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in ‘apple’, a capital letter ‘V’ as in ‘Victor’, and the number 7.
Customer: “Is that 7 in capital letters?”
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair”.
Paddy says to his pal, “Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin’ fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my best English accent.”
“Roight y’are, Paddy, I’ll keep me mouth shut, so I will,” replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, “I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up my van and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts. “You’re from Ireland, aren’t you?”
“Well… yes,” says a surprised Paddy. “How der hell d’ y’ know dat?”
The owner replied, “This is a dry cleaners.”
A chicken farmer went to a local bar where he sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too.”
“What a coincidence,” says the farmer. “This is a special day for me … I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating,” says the woman.
“What a coincidence!” says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant.”
“What a coincidence,” says the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman. “How did you chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” replies the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, “Remarkable coincidence.”
God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.”
God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.
True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true – the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
Neither do I; I didn’t get one either … hehehe!
A man called his banker to check on his account.
“Your finances are in terrible shape,” said the banker. “Your checking account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue.”
“Yeah, I know,” said the man. “It’s my wife. She’s out of control.”
“Well, why do you let her spend more than you have?” asked the banker.
“Frankly,” sighed the man, “because it’s easier to argue with you than her!”
