Two sex workers are talking.
“How was your last ‘john,’ Desiree?”
“Okay, but cheap. And yours?”
“One of the best: a big, muscular, handsome marine.”
“Oh, yeah? What did he wanna do?”
“First, he asked how much for sex and I told him $100, but he didn’t have enough money. Then he asked how much for a BJ and I told him $50, but he didn’t have that much either. Then he asked how much for a hand job and I told him $25. He agreed, I reached in, and what a surprise! I put one hand around it, then another hand on top of that hand, and then my first hand on top of that one!”
“Damn, girl, he musta been huge! Then what happened?”
“I loaned him $75!”
A chicken farmer went to a local bar where he sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too.”
“What a coincidence,” says the farmer. “This is a special day for me … I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating,” says the woman.
“What a coincidence!” says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant.”
“What a coincidence,” says the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman. “How did you chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” replies the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, “Remarkable coincidence.”
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz”, said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife screamed. “Schwartz is dead!”
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do,” said the woman.
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it,” she responded.
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified. “What?! You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from?”
Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
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Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech!
“Now, if you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.”What the … ?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
“It’s not talcum powder,” she shot back. “It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
More Questions & Answers
Q. What’s the downside to a threesome?
A. You’ll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
Q. How do you know when you’re really ugly?
A. Dogs close their eyes when they’re humping your leg.
Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?
A. Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
Q. What do a tornado and an Alabama divorce have in common?
A. Somebody’s gonna’ lose a trailer home.
Q. What does a Polish bride get on her wedding day that’s long and hard?
A. His last name.
Questions & Answers
Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.
Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He’s sleeping.
Q. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn’t hard.
