I have modified nagios check_procs plugins so it returns how many processes it finds as performance data.
Here is a “diff -u” file so you easy can modify your check_procs.
--- check_procs.c.org Sat Apr 25 12:01:08 2009
+++ check_procs.c Sat Apr 25 12:04:09 2009
@@ -305,6 +305,9 @@
if ( verbose >= 1 && strcmp(fails,"") )
printf (" [%s]", fails);
+/* Added by hdsgd 20090424 */
+ printf ("|Nr=%d", procs);
+
printf ("\n");
return result;
}
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”
His father replied: “Well, son, you have got it from your mother, because I still have mine.”
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” responded her husband.
“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males and two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
“Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone,” he replied.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here, Voyeurwebbers:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men would like to think.
Two sex workers are talking.
“How was your last ‘john,’ Desiree?”
“Okay, but cheap. And yours?”
“One of the best: a big, muscular, handsome marine.”
“Oh, yeah? What did he wanna do?”
“First, he asked how much for sex and I told him $100, but he didn’t have enough money. Then he asked how much for a BJ and I told him $50, but he didn’t have that much either. Then he asked how much for a hand job and I told him $25. He agreed, I reached in, and what a surprise! I put one hand around it, then another hand on top of that hand, and then my first hand on top of that one!”
“Damn, girl, he musta been huge! Then what happened?”
“I loaned him $75!”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to grab!”
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, “I didn’t touch that woman.”
“Of course you didn’t,” said Mrs. Wilson. “I did!”
A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: “Are you sure you used the right password?”
Customer: “Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.”
Helpdesk: “Can you tell me what the password is?”
Customer: “Five stars.”
Helpdesk: “What antivirus program do you use?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Helpdesk: “That’s not an antivirus program.”
Customer: “Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.”
Helpdesk: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I’m writing my first e-mail.”
Helpdesk: “OK, and, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, I have the letter ‘a’, but how do I get the circle around it?”
