Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
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Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
So Pinocchio went to visit old Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper whenever he felt the need.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?”
“Who needs a girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied.
A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
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Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech!
“Now, if you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.”What the … ?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
“It’s not talcum powder,” she shot back. “It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
A woman goes into Macy’s in New York to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Macy’s salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, “Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
“That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It’s a good all around combination, and it’s on sale this week for $85,” he says.
“It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $120 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $85? How did you get to $150?”
He replies, “Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $85, but the Duck Caller is $25 and the Fish Bait is $10.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
“Chinese food is loaded with MSG,” he continued. “High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
More Questions & Answers
Q. What’s the downside to a threesome?
A. You’ll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
Q. How do you know when you’re really ugly?
A. Dogs close their eyes when they’re humping your leg.
Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?
A. Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
Q. What do a tornado and an Alabama divorce have in common?
A. Somebody’s gonna’ lose a trailer home.
Q. What does a Polish bride get on her wedding day that’s long and hard?
A. His last name.
Questions & Answers
Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.
Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He’s sleeping.
Q. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn’t hard.
En kille kommer in på en bar med en apa i sällskap. Han beställer en öl och medan han dricker blir apan helt galen och börjar hoppa runt, runt i baren. Han snor åt sig oliver och käkar upp dem, han hittar ett par limeskivor som han också äter upp och slutligen hoppar han upp på biljardbordet, rycker åt sig en av bollarna och sväljer den hel.
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