A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
During recess, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
“You OK?” she asks.
“Yes,” he says.
“You can go and play with the other kids, you know,” she says.
“It’s best I stay here,” he says.
“Why?” asks the blonde.
And the boys says: “Because I’m the f*cking goalie!”
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” Dan said to her, “but in just a few years my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card … and three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Example One
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
Her husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Example Two
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve got somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you always welcome, Time … but where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda,” said Tim. “Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up. “Tim, how did it happen then?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear heavens! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?” Brenda asked.
“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man “Holy crap! That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving erratically all over the road.
A police officer pulls him over. “So,” said the officer to the driver, “Where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the driver.
“Well,” said the officer, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did alright,” said the driver, with a smile.
“Did you know,” said the officer, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the inebriated driver. “For a minute there I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Q. What’s the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes!
took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please,” I told him.
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah”, I said, “she can order for herself.”
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do,” said the woman.
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it,” she responded.
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified. “What?! You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from?”
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happend to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little O’Conner,” says Sean. “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“Aye, that he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” says Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”
