A married couple was lying in bed together.
Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She murmured gently, “Ahh… nice.”
His hand moved to her breast.
She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.”
His hand moved to her leg.
She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!”
But then he stopped.
“Why did you stop?”
He responded with a click, “Because I found the remote!”.
He’s expected to be released from the hospital on Monday.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz”, said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife screamed. “Schwartz is dead!”
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me,” said the man. “I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dyin’.”
1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
“What’s on TV?” she asked.
“Dust,” I said …
And then the fight started.
2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her bathroom scales…
And then the fight started…
3. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” …
And then the fight started….
George looked worried when the doctor asked if anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered George. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I can’t remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what I was going to do once I get there — if I get there! I need help. What should I do?”
The doctor replied in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the airplane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a “sniffer dog”. “His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked by their Priest, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
And Igor said: “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’ “
An old man goes to the Wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse he has been living under for the last 40 years.
“Maybe,” says the Wizard, “but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you.”
Without hesitation, the old man say, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?”
From across the room came a voice: “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
