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An irate woman loudly demanded to the newspaper customer service rep, “Where’s my Sunday paper?”
The rep answered, “Ma’am, today is Saturday. Your Sunday paper will be delivered tomorrow.”
There was a long pause at the other end of the phone, followed by a muttered, “Well, crap. No wonder there was nobody at church this morning!”

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, then realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared out of the darkness every time they came to a curve. Soon, John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering his courage, he jumped out of the car and ran toward it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized he was crying and … he wasn’t drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce … there’s the bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

I bland kan man undra om inte detta stämmer.

Mera på http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com

1. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen
2. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield
3. “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” – Lynn Lavner
4. “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – Camille Paglia
5. “Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” – George Burns
6. “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
7. “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

1. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly, you’re in bed with a relative.
2. Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
3. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
4. I saw a young woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “implants?” She hit me.
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of  jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn … That was fun!”

Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what wonderful product you have! I’ve used it all my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and, somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by.        The son whispered, “Dad! There’s one. Let’s get him!”
“No,” said his father. “Not enough meat. We wait.”
Later, a fat man came along. “Dad! He’s huge. Let’s get him!”
“No,” his father said. “We’d all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait.”
Hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached.
“Dad! There’s nothing wrong with that one. Let’s eat her.”
“No,” said his father. “We’ll not eat her either.”
“Why not?”
“We’ll take her home alive and eat your mother!”

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We discovered that, when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
And when I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time the putz will by me a diamond.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s rugby there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed. “Mike , you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike … Mike.”
“Who is it?” Asks Mike suddenly sitting up. “Who is it?”
“Mike … it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died,” says Mike.
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike .
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike . “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re on the team for Tuesday’s match!”