Three friends from the local congregation were asked by their Priest, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
And Igor said: “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’ “
An old man goes to the Wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse he has been living under for the last 40 years.
“Maybe,” says the Wizard, “but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you.”
Without hesitation, the old man say, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?”
From across the room came a voice: “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
During recess, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
“You OK?” she asks.
“Yes,” he says.
“You can go and play with the other kids, you know,” she says.
“It’s best I stay here,” he says.
“Why?” asks the blonde.
And the boys says: “Because I’m the f*cking goalie!”
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” Dan said to her, “but in just a few years my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card … and three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Example One
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
Her husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Example Two
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve got somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you always welcome, Time … but where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda,” said Tim. “Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up. “Tim, how did it happen then?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear heavens! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?” Brenda asked.
“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
